6 Magic Hours: Finding Time Every Day to Improve Your Relationship
When clients begin couples therapy, they often share how the relationship is suffering because they haven’t been making enough time for date nights or vacations. Early in the relationship, they had plenty of time to try a new restaurant, see a concert, enjoy mutual hobbies and travel as a couple. But once kids, full-time jobs, health issues and other demands enter the picture, these commitments to the relationship end up being last on the list. What John Gottman’s research found about successful couples is not that they take more trips together or spend more money on elaborate dates. Happy and successful couples create rituals and opportunities for connection in their daily lives.
What Gottman determined was that couples were more engaged with each other when they built in small moments throughout their regular routine that would allow them time for connection. Most busy couples find the thought of adding one more thing to the to-do list overwhelming. But broken down into small 5 or 10 minute increments makes these rituals of connection a lot more feasible to fit into a packed schedule. The following is his winning formula for how to bring the magic back in only 6 hours per week.
Goodbyes: The Parting Ritual
As you’re both rushing around trying to get out the door for another busy day at work or taking the kids to school, Gottman suggests finding a 2 minute window of time with your partner where you can acknowledge the other person’s world. Ask a question about what they’re looking forward to today or something they’re nervous about. Find out what they have planned and if they have anything on their mind.
This quick check-in before you part for the day is important for emotional attunement. Being aware of what the other person is experiencing and how they feel about it before they start their day allows you to be more tuned into their life. Taking on your partner’s perspective is a major aspect of feeling more connected to them and this is a great starting point. It’s also a good opportunity for a kiss or hug goodbye and starting the day off on the right foot!
Time Commitment: 2 minutes per day x 5 working days per week =
10 minutes per week
Hello Again! The Reunion Ritual
You’ve both survived your stressful day and now you’re able to come home to your partner! How you reunite after a long day is another essential opportunity for connection. Gottman recommends a six-second kiss or what he calls “a kiss with potential”. There’s the potential that it will lead to greater physical intimacy but it can also stand alone as a chance for some affection right when you see each other again. A kiss with potential is what starts the interaction off with warm and fuzzy feelings rather than letting the stress of your day turn things sour.
After that kiss, it’s the perfect time to have a “stress-reducing conversation”. Gottman defines a stress-reducing conversation as an opportunity to be on your partner’s team around an issue that doesn’t impact the relationship. Whether that’s a frustrating interaction at the office or a challenging conversation with your child’s teacher, the stress-reducing conversation is a chance to listen to your partner without judgment and understand what’s going on in their world.
Gottman found that 20-30 minutes of conversation with your partner where each person gets to vent about their day while receiving empathy and support from the other person (not criticism, contempt or defensiveness) made a strong positive impact on the sense of unity within the relationship. When we feel like our partner is on our team, we are more likely to see them in a positive light.
Time Commitment: 20 minutes per day x 5 working days per week =
1 hour 40 minutes per week
You Rock! Fostering Admiration and Appreciation
This ritual for connection is where your creativity has a chance to shine! What Gottman noticed was that couples who went out of their way to express gratitude, kindness and appreciation for their partner felt more empowered in the relationship. Greater empowerment meant they would go out of their way to do more kind things for the other person and a cycle of positive interactions would form. Couples need a ratio of 5 positive interactions to counteract every 1 negative interaction so this practice is especially important.
But what does admiration and appreciation look like? Gottman suggests keeping a shared journal where each partner is able to jot little messages about the ways in which they see the other person showing up for them.
“Thank you for staying on top of the laundry this week! You made my week so much easier!”
“I love when you make my favorite dinner. It reminds me of when we were first dating!”
“Thank you for remembering my sister’s birthday! You are so thoughtful and I appreciate how you show up for my family.”
If a journal feels too formal, you can use sticky notes, text messages or voice memos to share the same sentiments. Some couples enjoy this opportunity to show their partner affection in more creative ways like love tokens in a jar or a designated whiteboard for both partners to write messages of admiration and leave little doodles. This ritual for connection is meant to be playful and fun while reinforcing how much the teamwork of your relationship makes each partner’s life better.
Time Commitment: 5 minutes per day x 7 days per week =
35 minutes per week
Bringing Back the Spark with Affection
Perhaps unsurprisingly, affection is often the greatest area of struggle for couples who seek treatment. Couples will typically report that they are not engaging in frequent physical affection throughout the week for a variety of reasons. Most commonly, they report that if they are too physically affectionate with their partner throughout the day then there’s an expectation that it will ultimately lead to sex. For many couples who are exhausted and stretched thin by other demands in their life, having sex every night seems daunting. So they avoid being too affectionate with their partner which leads to distance in the relationship which leads to lower satisfaction for both partners.
What the research shows is that couples who are frequently affectionate without expecting it to lead into sexual intimacy have much higher rates of satisfaction (and more sex overall!) as it reduces the pressure to perform. Affection can look like cuddling right before bed, holding hands while driving, flirting while making dinner or even sneaking in a kiss during the kid’s bedtime routine.
Frequent affection builds a sense of safety and trust into the relationship. Your partner gets more attuned to your physical boundaries and feels connected to you on a romantic level. Of course sex is important to the relationship’s well-being but think of daily affection as the foundation work for building greater comfort and familiarity into the relationship.
Time Commitment: 5 minutes per day x 7 days per week =
35 minutes per week
Dating Your Spouse
But we don’t have time for a date night! Many couples have a very clear picture of what date night entails- running around after work, trying to get ready, writing down everything a babysitter needs to know about the kids, rushing through dinner and a movie before paying a 16 year old too much money to watch your kids for a few hours. This is where couples get stuck. It feels too overwhelming to do all of these things every week!
Dating your spouse simply means setting aside time to prioritize the connection once per week. It requires effort from both parties (take turns!) to plan a regular date night routine but here are some suggestions:
Have a date night at home! If childcare or finances are an issue, plan home dates where one spouse takes charge of making dinner and planning an activity (a movie, a craft, a game, etc.) Home dates can be low-key ways to connect without a sitter or spending too much money. The focus should be on enjoying time with your partner so it’s another fun way to get creative!
Set a regular schedule. It can sometimes be easier to find a babysitter when you offer to give them regular gigs (every other Friday or the second Saturday of every month). Knowing that they’re already on your calendar takes some of the pressure off and also gives you the motivation to plan ahead and make the most of those nights off.
Find a shared hobby or activity. If you volunteer at the animal shelter together on Sunday mornings, that’s the perfect time to get breakfast and catch up with your partner. Maybe you join a bowling league that meets every Thursday night after work and get ice cream together afterwards. You get the opportunity to bond both during the activity and when you spend some time alone together before or after.
Try something new! Have you ever been to a painting class? What about axe throwing? Indoor skydiving? Trying a new activity with your partner allows for a sense of novelty and excitement in the relationship. It also gives both of you the opportunity to step outside your comfort zone and rely on your partner to increase that sense of connection.
Remember when we…? Think about things that you enjoyed doing together when you were first dating. If you loved seeing plays together, scheduling a regular date night at the local theater helps to feel reconnected to that younger version of yourselves and to remember why you fell in love with your partner in the first place!
Focus on your partner, not logistics. It’s easy to spend a few hours together getting caught up on all the things happening at home (Did you ever get around to calling a plumber? What sports are we signing the kids up for this fall? Is your mother still coming to visit for Memorial Day?) But date nights are meant to be focused on learning more about your partner’s inner world and what’s on their mind. Try things like: “What would be your perfect vacation?” or “If you could change one thing about your job, what would it be?” and “Tell me the best thing that happened to you this week!”
Time Commitment: 2 hours per week
Getting Back on Track with a State of the Union Meeting
It may seem hard to believe but spending one hour per week discussing the state of the relationship with your partner can decrease conflicts over time. What Gottman discovered through his research was a scheduled meeting between the couple would allow them to address difficult topics in a way that felt collaborative rather than confrontational. Both partners are entering the conversation with the understanding that they will remain open and engaged to the other party’s perspective. Couples can let recurrent issues build or fester over time and a State of the Union meeting is meant to address those concerns in a timely manner each week.
These are some helpful guidelines for a successful State of the Union:
Pick a time that will work most weeks for an uninterrupted one hour conversation. Trying to find a new time every week will most likely end in no meeting at all. Picking a time and sticking to it will yield the most consistent results.
Start off by discussing what’s been going well in the relationship over the last week. Try to be specific and use examples of what your partner has been doing well. This goes back to fostering appreciation in the relationship (see above) where you want to catch your partner doing something good!
When you start to address challenges in the relationship, take turns being the speaker and the listener. You can even set a timer so that each party gets a chance to feel heard. The goal is not to accuse the other person but rather bring the issue to their attention so you can work towards a solution together.
If one or both parties starts to escalate or feel overwhelmed, take a 20 minute break and come back to the conversation. It’s important not to end the conversation entirely as taking time to repair after conflict allows each party to feel supported.
End the conversation on a high note- share one thing you plan to do over the upcoming week to make your partner’s life better.
Time Commitment: 1 hour per week
You did it! In only 6 hours per week, you’ve taken steps towards improving the connection with your partner. It might seem intimidating at first to change the way you relate to each other but small changes are sustainable changes. Even introducing one of these tools has the potential to help your relationship grow in a positive direction!
If you’re still feeling stuck or looking for more support navigating the challenges in your relationship, reach out through the contact form or call to schedule an appointment!